...and Glenn Beck really is a douchenozzle

(Nads of Thor)
Glenn Beck writes:

So, how do we show America what’s really behind the curtain? Below are nine simple principles. If you believe in at least seven of them, then we have something in common. I urge you to read the instructions at the end for how to help make your voice heard.

So here they are, with commentary.

1. America is good.
Well, shit, if we all agree on this one, why all the hub-bub? Let’s play some whiffle ball. Whee, America!

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
Because you’re awesome, Glenn, you said I only have to agree with seven of these little bobbles of pure, condensed America, so I’ll take a pass on this one. That said, our forefathers were pretty big fans of keeping religion away from government (Which is where you’re going with this.), so I can’t even imagine what their take on the teachings of Joseph Smith would be. But I’m guessing it’d resemble the sound of colonial age pantaloons being pissed in with laughter.

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.
Guess I should stop telling people stem-cell research will lead to the invention of Dr. Manhattan. Wait. You said that already.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.
I agree with you on this one. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority which is why I don’t want the government telling me my daugther can’t get an abortion to save her life. Or my gay son can’t get married. Wow, see what happened there? We agreed on the same general principle - but in totally different ways. That’s called “nuance.”

I’ll give you a minute to collect your exploded skull fragments.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.
Hell yes, Beckster! Now, let’s join hands and go arrest the Bush Administration for war crimes, and all those CEOs. HYEAH! - - Why aren’t you coming? Oh, you meant starting NOW. My bad.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.
“For colored people, homosexuals, women and the middle class. So lets keep it that way.”
^ Part that got cut off.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.
And you’re absolutely right, Glenn. It’s your inalienable right to be an absolute cock to your fellow man. Just like it’s my inalienable right, along with a vast majority of the nation, to vote for socialized health care so Americans can continue to work hard and not die because their well-being isn’t profitable to their HMO. Or in other words, why do you hate people living so much, Glenn?

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.
Really? Explain that to Helen Thomas, Bill Maher, the Dixie Chicks and anybody that spoke out against George Bush or the Iraq War. Oh, whoops! Again, you meant starting NOW. Keep forgetting that…

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.
And you’ll show them by mailing Congress bags of tea! Glenn Beck: Constructive solutions since, well, fucking never.