Superman's Anguish

Excepted below is part of a New York Times profile of Philadelphia Eagles lineman Shawn Andrews who missed the 2008 season because of depression and later, injury. It's an insight into what's under the helmet and a reminder that these are men, not gods.

(New York Times)
As reporters gathered earlier this month, Shawn Andrews, a two-time Eagles Pro Bowl offensive lineman who has battled depression, was told that he seemed again to be his familiar cheery self. He did seem playful. He wore a rust-colored cockscomb haircut. And he stood in front of a locker that contained a football-shaped likeness of SpongeBob SquarePants, along with a photograph of his young son, JaShawn.

“There’s some good and bad in there,” Andrews, 26, said of himself. “If you know the song ‘Tears of a Clown,’ that would kind of describe my past a little bit up to now.”

Andrews weighed 230 pounds by age 12 and said he had wrestled with his self-image for years, having been picked on because of his size and because he grew up poor in Camden, Ark.

“A lot of people say football should help you channel your anger and aggression,” Andrews said. “But it’s not as easy as people think it is.”

“It’s hard for a student to learn when you worry about who’s making fun of your clothes and who’s picking on you every single day,” Andrews said.

One day at practice(during college), Andrews said, he burst out crying during stretching exercises and could not move. He left college early, saying he could not bear to see his mother struggle to keep the lights on.

After signing with the Eagles in 2004, he bought his mother a Mercedes-Benz and said he began to spend lavishly on himself, buying a Hummer, expensive jewelry and, later, a Rolls-Royce.

“I bought a whole bunch of things that I thought were going to boost who I really was, make people like me more, try to impress people versus being smart,” Andrews said. “I wasted $300,000 on a car. I was fortunate to get a grasp on myself before it became too late.”

Others began treating him differently, he said. Before his rookie season, he said that one longtime Arkansas friend asked him, “How much are you worth?” Then the friend asked for help in paying child support, rent and a car loan. After he declined, Andrews said, the friend invited him to a deer-hunting camp. Another friend later warned that he was being set up to be shot in what would look like a hunting accident, Andrews said.

As the 2008 season approached, Andrews said he found himself caught in a personal vortex. The birth of his son had brought excitement and some concern.

“I had a new obligation, and I’m going to fulfill it because of my past experience,” Andrews said, a reference to his growing up in a single-parent home.

At the same time, Andrews said his interest in football began to flag.

“I was partying, drinking to try to hide what was really going on,” he said. “Temporarily, it helped me. In the grand scheme, it really didn’t.”

He held out from training camp. The Eagles said they would fine him $15,000 a day. When Moran told him how much money he stood to lose, Andrews said his reaction was, “So what?”

Early last August, as rumors grew about his absence, Andrews told reporters that he was suffering from depression, had sought professional help and was taking medication. He eventually reported to the team, but played in only two games before sustaining a herniated disk in his back, which required surgery.

So far this off-season, (Eagles head coach Andy) Reid said, Andrews is “doing a great job.” Andrews said the move to tackle could rejuvenate his career.

Still, his renewed enthusiasm has been tempered by the fact that he has missed nearly two full seasons to injury.

“All the physical anguish I’ve been through, the thought of not being able to get up and play with my son, that really keeps my mind going every day,” Andrews said.

He sees some of his teammates dropping items and struggling to bend and pick them up.

“I don’t want to live like that,” Andrews said.
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